đź’” Devaluation & Discard: When Love Turns Cold
One of the most painful parts of toxic relationships—especially with manipulative or emotionally unavailable people—is the cycle of Devaluation & Discard.
It’s the moment when someone who once made you feel like you were everything suddenly makes you feel like you’re nothing.
đź’ˇ What Is Devaluation?
In the beginning, everything feels magical. You’re admired, adored, maybe even love-bombed. But then—slowly or suddenly—the mood shifts.
They start to:
• Criticize you or put you down.
• Withdraw affection or attention.
• Act cold, distant, or irritable.
• Make you feel like you can’t do anything right.
• Make you feel like you are hard to love. “I am really trying to accept you for you”.
This is devaluation—when the person who once lifted you up starts slowly tearing you down. It is not always malicious - but it hurts all the same.
đź—‘ What Is Discard?
After devaluation often comes discard:
👉 They leave.
👉 They ghost.
👉 They end the relationship suddenly or cruelly.
Sometimes discard happens multiple times in cycles. Sometimes it’s silent. Sometimes it’s explosive. Either way, it leaves you feeling abandoned, confused, and deeply hurt.
đź–¤ My Story: When Love Slipped Away..
I lived through this cycle for the first time when I was in my early twenties. I was deeply, madly in love, the most I had ever been in my life.. stand true to date. We were engaged. He was older, and I looked up to him to teach me how to navigate life. I expected him to know how to handle adult responsibilities—buying a car, paying rent, building a future. I adored him.
But what brought us together eventually pulled us apart: alcohol.
We loved drinking together. That was our thing. Work hard, come home, go out. Bars, sports games, friends—that was our entire world. But no matter how much I tried to keep up, I couldn’t. He could drink endlessly. I couldn’t. I was young and my body couldn’t handle it. But I kept trying—because I wanted to be what he wanted.
The truth? I never could be. And slowly, I felt him pulling away.
The distance grew. He started going out alone. And I remember so clearly the day I asked to come along, and the look on his face told me everything. His face just fell. That was the moment I knew I had lost him.
And I clung to the only comfort I had left: the bottle. The more he pulled away, the more I drank—alone, heartbroken, spiraling. Until one day, it was over. And the cheerful way he returned my things, including my mattress, felt like the final twist of the knife. I knew about the other woman, Chynna. She was gross.. but I waited for another 6 months hoping he would come return to me… yeah, I loved him that much. He never came home.
đź’” The Pattern Repeats:
Years later, I lived through a similar heartbreak. This time, I didn’t have alcohol. But I clung—to the relationship, to the hope, to the fear of losing someone again like I had lost my Lenny. And just like before, that clinging drove the person away.
** Love Overshadowed Painting**
The difference now?
👉 I can see the pattern.
👉 I can name it.
👉 And I can stop it.
🛑 How to Protect Yourself:
💖 Recognize the Pattern Early: Love shouldn’t swing between extreme highs and devastating lows.
💖 Don’t Chase the High: The person who devalues you may try to lure you back in—this is part of the manipulation.
💖 Choose Yourself: Even when it hurts. Even when you don’t understand why. You deserve consistency, respect, and care.
💖 Lean on Support: Friends, recovery communities, therapy—don’t go through this alone. If you cant see it - just listen to them. Let it sink in.
🌱 Final Thoughts:
Devaluation & Discard isn’t about you being “not enough.” It’s about someone else’s inability to love in a healthy way, or if your relationship isnt a match- perhaps they are to weak to pull the plug. Do it. Don’t sit there - they have left the building, no one is home. Shut the lights, lock the door and head out. It sucks, its hard.. but its going to happen anyway. Let it be on your terms, so you can start to heal. You deserve to be seen, loved, and respected for who you are—not for who someone wants you to be today but throws away tomorrow.
If you’ve been through this, I see you.
I promise:
👉 You can heal.
👉 You can rebuild.
👉 And you can choose people who don’t make love feel like a battlefield.
With Love,
Dana & Nicky.
