What Is Forgiveness, Really?
And why it’s not what most people think
We usually think forgiveness means saying, “It’s okay” or “I’ll just forget about it.” But that’s not forgiveness — that’s minimizing, or even erasing our own pain. The truth is, forgiveness is much more radical, and much more freeing.
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The Definition of Forgiveness
At its core, forgiveness is a conscious choice. It’s the decision to release the heavy weight of anger, resentment, and bitterness that attaches itself to us when we’ve been hurt.
Forgiveness is not the same as forgetting. It doesn’t mean excusing harmful behavior or giving someone continued access to us. It’s not reconciliation, and it’s not approval.
👉 Forgiveness is letting go of the hope for a different past, so you can walk into a freer future.
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What Forgiveness Is Not
• Not forgetting.
• Not condoning or excusing.
• Not reconciling (you can forgive without ever speaking to someone again).
• Not a denial of pain.
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Why Forgiveness Matters
When we hold on to resentment, it’s like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to suffer. The anger stays in our own bodies, our own minds, our own hearts. Forgiveness is how we release ourselves.
Psychologists call forgiveness a key to emotional healing. Spiritually, many traditions see it as a path to peace. In recovery, forgiveness is woven through the Steps — because we can’t grow while carrying old grievances.
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Forgiveness in Practice
Forgiveness isn’t a one-time act — it’s often a process:
1. Acknowledging the hurt — without minimizing it.
2. Setting boundaries — choosing what access the person has to you now.
3. Deciding to release — not for them, but for your own freedom.
4. Releasing again, and again — sometimes forgiveness is daily.
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Forgiveness doesn’t erase the story of what happened to us. But it does allow us to rewrite our relationship to the story. It means we don’t have to live stuck in the same chapter.
Forgiveness is not about changing the past — it’s about freeing the present.
With Love,
Elfy & Nicky
